if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize