Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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