she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
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