i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
