I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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