Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
