you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
