i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
