JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
