eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
