I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize