i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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