I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
