I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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