We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
