Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
