i don't plan on having that self control this summer
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
