How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
