recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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