we have pet lesbian snakes
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
