Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
