the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
