She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
