well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
