my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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