You're my little dorito
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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