Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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