Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
