We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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