Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
