God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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