Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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