wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize