we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
