how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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