i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
