By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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