no, he came in my armpit
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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