she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize