how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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