I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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