You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
