I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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