Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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