i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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