im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
