Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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