Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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