saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
