Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
