U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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