Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
