Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
