girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Semen is not good for contacts.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
